The Joker:

1/5/19 at almost 4 A.M. in the morning. A call comes into dispatch of a shoplifter out at Walmart. Unfortunately for Walmart, there is only one officer available at that time…The Night Stalker.

It’s Saturday Night at the first of the month and although it is 4 A.M. the store is packed with shoppers, mostly women trying to avoid the day time traffic. The late night doesn’t help, the joint is jumping.

The Stalker and Christine pull in off of 25th street and stop at the first entrance to Walmart. The Stalker gets out and goes into the building. Christine goes to park. Two guys were outside smoking and one said to the other:

#1: “Did you see that?”
#2: “The car parked itself.”
#1 “Man the cops got everything.”
#2 “Yeah”

By the time The Stalker made it through the second set of glass doors, the greeter had took off running at full speed into house wears. The Stalker entered and made a quick left towards the security desk, Sunglasses down, in Trench Coat, Hat and Jack Boots moving at a fast pace. With a 5 women back line on the middle isle the cashier noticed the suprised looks on the women’s faces and turned to see. When she saw The Night Stalker she immediately fainted and fell down behind the register. The women in line ran towards the back of the store leaving their carts in order to get out of the way. One elderly woman in the front aisle just before the Ice Machine mussed up her hair and put on the best smile her dentures could muster as the Stalker went by. “Wow what a man she thought.”

The check out lines began to empty the closer the Stalker came to the security desk. The women were making sure they were out of harms way and secure. The groceries could be worried about later. 1 woman dropped everything she had at the self check out and ran out the front door. Some say she was shoplifting anyway.

When the Stalker arrived at the security desk the late night Security chief was there to meet him. The other clerks had already fled into the back. The Stalker stood there as the Chief said:

“I mean”
“Ah Mr. Stalker”
Finally the man just pointed to an area in the store. The Stalker turned and advanced.

Two 16 year old boys who were hiding under the ladies lingerie rack saw the Jack Boots go by.
Boy #1 “Dude that is The Night Stalker”
Boy #2 “Man we got to see him”
Boy #1 “Wait till we get back to school”
Boy #2 “The chicks will love us”

One woman, who had swooned until she fell down in the aisle watched The Stalker go by and just reached out to touch the hem of his garment. The stalker felt the pressure and turned to say: “It will be alright maam”.

The doors on the coolers in the frozen aisles were opening and closing on their own as the Stalker continued to the back of the store. The women were getting the vapors along the way. Red faces and blushes pushed their carts and selves into the curves and crevices of the store trying to get out of the way. Finally, The Stalker found the target (Store Pun Intended).

As The Stalker zeroed in on Mr. Kendal Rains of Middlesboro the action was quick. The Stalker had the cuffs on Mr. Rains faster than a Prom Date can say: “No !!!”. As The Stalker carried Mr. Rains out of the store, the Tv’s came back on, the women lined up to gawk, Somebody helped the fainted cashier back up, and just before The Stalker and his prey entered the last turn before the front door, one woman with a cart stood in his way.


So there was The Stalker holding a suspect by the scruff of the neck and a 180 pound 75 year old woman with a shopping cart full of canned goods, frozen foods, a 12 pack of paper towels, 5 boxes of Little Debbie Cakes, gallon of milk, loaf of bread and enough meat to last a month, standing in his way. The Stand off began.

Mamaw: “When are you gonna get rid of these low life drug dealers in my neighborhood?”
The Stalker: Silent
Mamaw: “And another thing, you can tell that Joe Holder that the next time I hear about him giving Santa Clause a hard time, I’m going to the City Council to complain.”
The Stalker: Silent
Mamaw: “Tell Harvey, I want to see him. I’m worried about him not eating right.”
The Stalker: Silent
Mamaw: “Now get the hell out of my way, I gotta get a case of Mountain Dew.”

As the Stalker ushered Mr. Rains through the glass doors and out into the parking lot, Mr. Rains said: “Damn, now that’s a tough old lady.”

Christine had pulled up outside and Mr. Rains was placed in the back. He was taken down to Pineville faster than a Suboxone Clinic could issue a script. Mr. Rains was charged with shoplifting of course. You see he decided to lift 3 dollars and 10 cents worth of merchandise from Walmart. My, My, was it worth it?

The two guys outside smoking said:
Guy#1 You see that?
Guy#2 Yeah.

Mr. Rains was also found to have several bench warrants on his record which included: FTA, Probable Probation Violation, and a “Pay or Stay” for 188.50. Mr. Rains is at present resting in the Pineville home for those that just can’t seem to get it together. His bonds are, about 1k “Cash”, but who knows what that means in Bell County.

To make a long story longer, The Night Stalker handles high speed chases, drug dealers, hardened criminals, fugitives, gang members, bust in raids, shoot outs, foot chases through the woods, the supernatural and anything else that happens in the dark of the night. 3 dollar shoplifters just ain’t his thing. Therefore when Walmart got the stalker, it was like getting the 1st Marine Division to handle the dispute at the Church Picnic. Anyhow, Mr. Rains is in jail. It ain’t his first ride down there.

Mr. Rains was also a fugitive with a 10k bond but was let out after 3 months because I guess who ever wanted him decided they didn’t. I don’t know what his charges were. He also had a bench warrant, a charge for possession of meth, assault and criminal trespass, but that was back in July, He was released in October 2018. Who the hell knows what the Bell County Justice system does?

Mr. Rains ain’t exactly Clyde Barrow. He’s in jail for a 3 dollar shoplifting charge.

Thank you Night Stalker for taking such a criminal off our streets. We all know that you do your job first and worry about feelings later. This is why the criminals fear you and the women are fascinated. Your fans, which are many, wait weekly for the news of your activities. The world needs more heroes like you Mr. Stalker.

Go Team Middlesboro!!!

P.S. Walmart Management passed out baby wipes to all the women who had swooned, got the furies or vapors and had fainted without charge.

“The following article is based on open and public records from the Middlesboro Police Department as well as The Bell County Detention Center Website and is written in the style of satire as an opinion piece not associated or based on the opinions of The Polygraph News, Incorporated—it’s founders, owners or staff.”