6/24/2019 about 3:15 P.M. Sgt. Barry Cowan is on patrol. Most of you out there know what that means. For those of you that don’t, It’s because you’re not listening. When Sgt. Cowan (The Big Bear) is out there, criminals and bad behavior will not be tolerated.
The Big Bear observes (He’s not the Night Stalker but man he can see a mile away), A 1998 Infiniti with Big Orange Tags swaying to “Rocky Top” out on Cumberland Avenue and 27th Street. The Big Bear hit the blue lights and The Big Orange Infiniti took off like a Freshman to his first strip club in Knoxville. Well the speeds got up to 26 MPH over the speed limit. Finally, the Big Orange ball stopped bouncing in front of the Middle School and the driver took off running. Boy, had I been filming it, I would have broke down laughing. If your car can’t outrun an oil leaking clunker that our heroes are forced to drive then, we all know for sure that you ain’t about to get away from The Big Bear. The Big Bear found Mr. Jeremy Bunch of Middlesboro and sometimes Tazewell hiding in some weeds behind the Yoakum Apartments. Needless to say, Mr. Bunch did not give The Big Bear any reason to assume other than he would cooperate.
So The Big Bear leads Mr. Bunch back out on the street and proceeds to ask him to perform the road side dance routine. You know, all that, “Alaeman left and Alaeman right” stuff. Well Mr. Bunch couldn’t even get to the “Do see Do”. Big Bear failed him on the test.
Mr. Bunch was taken down to the Pineville Center for those that can’t dance or drive and charged with:
Bench Warrant for Terrroristic Threatening (No he didn’t threaten The Big Bear, He’s not crazy.)
Fleeing or Evading Police (Motor Vehicle)
Fleeing or Evading Police (On Foot)
At the time of this writing Mr. Bunch is still bunched up down at bunk bed city awaiting dance and driving lessons from the judge. He has no bonds listed on the charges except a $500.00 “Cash” bond on the Bench Warrant.
Yes, of course Mr. Bunch has previous appearances at the Pineville Bed and Breakfast. His past charges include but are not limited to:
Violation of EPO X1
Suspended Licence X2
No Insurance X1
Public Intoxication X1
Bench Warrant X7
Fugitive From Another State X1
Disorderly Conduct X1
The Charges date back to 2009. Mr. Bunch is not exactly what one would consider the worst of the worst. I mean really, not one drug charge? I guess it doesn’t matter, he was behaving badly and you just can’t get away with that around The Big Bear. I’m still laughing that you couldn’t out run a clunker but thought you could out run The Big Bear.
Thank You Big Bear for getting a chronic impaired driver off the street. Obviously his history shows that he don’t give a damn about possibly running over grandma crossing the street on her walker. Let’s hope that the Pineville Justice/Injustice system figures this out and has Mr. Bunch sober up for a long term and not just let him back out to find another slow car and a bottle of Gin.
Go Team Middlesboro!!!
P.S. The part I love the most is where I get to piss a few off. Come on folks, our boys in Blue are driving cars that most wouldn’t buy on a buy here pay here lot. You’ve got several new car dealerships there in the Boro that could donate (Tax Write Off) something that could be modified for Police Work that wouldn’t be outrun by an Amish Horse and Buggy. I won’t mention any names but all of you know who they are. When they got an issue our Heroes run out to help them don’t they? Well how about a little mechanical help for our Heroes.
“The following article is based on open and public records from the Middlesboro Police Department as well as The Bell County Detention Center Website and is written in the style of satire as an opinion piece not associated or based on the opinions of The Polygraph News, Incorporated—it’s founders, owners or staff.”