The Joker:

5/30/19 just after 5 P.M. over on Dansbury Avenue in the Boro. A damsel in distress called dispatch and accused someone from North Carolina of stealing her $857.00 dollar cell phone. Well, as you know, no Middlesboro woman could live long without a cell phone so therefore this was truly an emergency. Before the city had to send out fire trucks, paramedics, ambulances and ask for State Police Back up, Officer Jeremiah Johnson (J.J.) was sent to the scene.

Upon arrival J.J. found Mr. Tristian Burnette, Alias, Mr. Tristian Williams, Alias Mr. Tristian Marsee (More Alias than a Claiborne County Bond jumper). Mr. Burnette/Williams/Marsee declined to obey J.J.’s commands to stay put while an investigation ensued. Mr North Carolina then began to use bad language towards our hero. It’s too bad that there was no one available for council before he began his protest. J.J. decided that it would be best if Mr. North Carolina understood that he was “being detained”. Mr. North Carolina would have none of it and said: “Don’t F*&^$#@ touch me!!!” Wrong Answer. J.J. might not be Bruce Lee Bradley but he had the cuffs on the Tar Heel faster than you can say “Andy Griffith”.

Mr. what ever his name is, was taken down the Pineville Lay Over for North Carolina phone thieves where he was charged with:

Disorderly Conduct 2nd Degree
Resisting Arrest

NO bonds were issued but Mr. What ever his name is was released a couple days later. Now if the kid is smart he’ll go back to Mayberry and never return through the tunnel. If he’s not then he’ll hang around the boro where either he won’t show up for court and then have a nice warrant on him in which any member of the swarm will be happy to serve or he’ll hang around and get into more trouble. Take my word for it kid, you don’t want the swarm to notice you.

No word on whether the lady got her phone back. The police report says the suspect tried to sell it. Anyhow, as far as I know, no one was admitted to the hospital for phone withdrawals.

Thank you Officer Jeremiah Johnson for keeping the women of Middlesboro safe from out of town phone thieves. Is it any wonder why the women love him so much?

Go Team Middlesboro!!!

“The following article is based on open and public records from the Middlesboro Police Department as well as The Bell County Detention Center Website and is written in the style of satire as an opinion piece not associated or based on the opinions of The Polygraph News, Incorporated—it’s founders, owners or staff.”