The Joker:

4/1/19 11:06 A.M. Officer Robin Venable is on patrol. Officer Venable is a long time member of the ranks of law enforcement officers. Having began his career with the Middlesboro Police Department he eventually moved to the big city of Lexington and served there for several years before returning to his place of birth in Bell county where he once again, joined the MPD.

Age eventually catches up with one and such is the same with Officer Venable. With the aches and pains of experience bearing in, he retired last year. 6 months later of walking dogs, watching television, chilling on Face Book and some awful fine home cooking, the aches and pains of working were the only way to keep back the waves of age drowning him. The Bell County Sheriff’s office called and Officer Venable jumped (well got up) at the chance to return to law enforcement. 6 months after that, with the city of Middlesboro in turmoil, he answered the call to return to the MPD. He was now officially “Back In The Saddle”.

Cruising east on Chester Avenue Officer Venable thought back to his early days after graduation from Middlesboro High School and becoming a young officer on the force. Few know what it’s like to live in the shadow of a famous sibling. You see, Officer Venable is the younger brother of Tennessee Golden Gloves Heavyweight Champion Randy Venable who also went on to be the trainer of World Heavy Weight Champion Owen (What The Heck) Beck. Needless to say, it’s a tough act to follow. It gets old meeting people and the first thing they want to know is how your brother is.

It is a little known family secret that at times Big Brother Randy would take the urge to put little Robin in his place and rough him up some. According to insiders, it didn’t always end up that way. Sometimes Big Bro had to Back that shit up quick. What is said is: “Robin had a better right cross than Randy ever did”. Hence the family giving him the nick name: “Rockin Robin”.

It was almost lunch time and Rockin Robin was thinking about calling in an order to Conley’s of Two Foot Long Hot Dogs With Chili And Onions, Two Large Fries And a Chocolate Shake. He could pretend on the phone that he was taking an order for a friend (Harvey) also. No one would know it was all for him. ALL OF A SUDDEN , a Black Nissan ran right through the stop sign on 21st and Chester and nearly clipped Robin’s Cruiser. Having slammed on the breaks, he made the left hand turn and threw on the blue lights.

Half a block later, the Nissan sat parked across the street from Creech Funeral Home (Free Advertising) awaiting Officer Venable’s approach. The vehicle had no licence plates. As Officer Venable looked inside the car it was clean like it had just come off a show room floor. The Driver was a Chinese Man in his middle 30s . The dialogue went like this:

Officer Venable: Licence And Registration Please Sir.
Chinese Man: I have no need of any licence.
Officer Venable: What is your name sir?
Chinese Man: I AM CHIANG TZU
Officer Venable: Mr. Sue, I am going to have to ask you to step out of the vehicle.
Chiang Tzu stepping out of the car: I can not take time for this.
Officer Venable: Mr. Sue, do you have a social security number?
Chiang Tzu: I have no need of such numbers.
Officer Venable: What is your business here sir?
Chiang Tzu: My business is not your business.

The next thing Officer Venable realized was that he was lying on his back on 21st street dizzy and half conscious. He had been hit more times than the best banana pudding bowl at a church homecoming.

Witnesses looking out the window from Creech Funeral Home (Free Advertising) describe the next few moments of the scene. Officer Michael Bradley (Bruce Lee) pulls his crusier in just seconds after Officer Venable hits the pavement. Officer Bradley has seen who Chiang Tzu is.

Officer Bradley steps out of the Cruiser and takes off his utility belt tossing it back into the car, he turns and makes a silent bow towards Chiang Tzu. The challenge is issued as well as accepted and the two begin to move in a circle in the middle of 21st street.

Bruce Lee dashed at Chiang Tzu in a hurl of flying death kicks screaming in a voice that broke a window out of the Veterans building. Chiang Tzu ducked and whirled missing the assault. He turned and pursued Bruce Lee whose momentum had taken him to the corner of Cumberland and 21st Street. Chiang Tzu pushed forward with viscous hand strikes backing Bruce Lee out into the West Bound Lane of the Avenue. At that moment the combatants heard the sound of an engine and upon turning their heads realized that a Red 1998 Oldsmoble was within feet of running them both over. It was Mamaw coming from Walmart and nothing was gonna stop her from getting home in time to watch “Days Of Our Lives”. The two men leaped straight up in the air reaching heights of over 7 feet. The Oldsmobile zoomed under them. They landed back on the street and the battle began anew.

Chiang Tzu delivered chop after chop, punch after punch and kick after kick backing the defending Bruce Lee Bradley back towards the South side of the Cumberland Avenue Side Walk and East towards Fountain Square. It’s not easy being the toughest guy in Bell County next to the Night Stalker and having some Chinese stranger back you up on your own turf. Officer Bradley had not had this much competition since he beat up the six Detroit Drug Dealers in South side in the middle of the night after handcuffing his own hands behind his back. 4 of them spent several days in the hospital, the other two ran home bloody and crying. It was very impressive and flashy. Chief Sharp doesn’t like “Flashy”. 7 days suspension.

As the fight continued East, two men were coming down the steps from the upstairs apartments next to the Pawn Shop. Funky Billy Jim and Little Sammy John stepped out on the street and Billy Jim was caught with a kick from Chiang Tzu taking him right to the ground. Little Sammy John leaned over to help him up and since he’d had too much to drink fell directly on top of the fallen. The one of the bottom thought the one on the top hit him and they broke into a scuffle. Now, “Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting”.

Chiang Tzu continued the unrelenting viscous assault landing a punch that put Bruce Lee on his back and out of breath. Looking up from the side walk Bruce Lee could see Chiang Tzu thumb his nose. The sign telling him not to get up or he would face death. The following seconds seemed like hours. “I can’t be beaten here today, in front of the whole town” thought Bruce Lee. Getting through the pain he rolled back on his hands and Kipped Up onto his feet and into fighting stance. Chiang Tzu was impressed but knew it was time to finish the upstart.

Once again Chiang Tzu attacked full force with punches and kicks but this time Bruce Lee stood his ground and pushed back. Hack, Hack, round house, cork screw after cork screw punch until now Chiang Tzu was on the retreat. Mr. Miyagi would have been proud. As the momentum was changing Chiang Tzu realized that he had awakened the Chi inside of Bruce Lee and that now he was a totally different opponent than what he first met. He must now escape rather than continue a senseless fight.

As Chiang Tzu was backed further West down the street he did several acrobatic back flips to create a separation between him and the pursuing  Bruce Lee. Once in front of Campbell’s Dress Shop, Chiang Tzu ran in. Officer Bruce Lee Bradley opened the door and followed in hot pursuit running into the back of the store. The wiley Chiang Tzu had ducked in behind a row of dresses and watched as Bruce Lee passed. Smiling he knew he could now make it back to his car and get away. Leaving the Dress Shop Chiang Tzu turned left towards 21st Street and BODA BING BODA BOOM. He met the Best Right Cross In Bell County. His feet flew off the ground and his head hit the sidewalk harder than a working girl after dark.

MPD 1, Chinese Kung Fu Experts 0

With Bruce Lee returning, he and Rockin Robin had the cuffs on Chiang Tzu faster than you can say “Beef Chow Mein”. They also put cuffs on his ankles and just in case used a roll of duct tape to make sure Jackie Chan can’t escape.

Once loaded into the back of the cruiser Bruce Lee drove while Rockin Robin held a pistol on Chiang Tzu. On the way to Pinville Bruce Lee asked Robin: “Does your hand hurt”. Robin responded: “Hell yeah, but it was worth it”.

Just as the boys were entering Pineville they were surrounded by State Police Cars and Black Escalades with tinted windows escorting them to the Jail. Once they pulled up in front, 6 men in black suits as well as at least a dozen state troopers awaited them. When they got out of the cruiser a man in black yelled:

“WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE ???!!!”
Rocking Robin: “I am Officer Venable …”
SHUT UP DUMB ASS!!!! interjected the man in black. GET THAT MAN OUT OF THE BACK OF THE CAR NOW !!!!

Bruce Lee was helping Chiang Tzu out of the back of the cruiser. He was certainly a site for sore eyes (Pun Intended) with his hands behind his back, his legs in shackles and wrapped in all that duct tape as well as still being dizzy from the hard right cross.

Down the block you could see a small contingent of Chinese men in black suits that seemed to be giving the business to one of the Americans in a black suit. Chiang Tzu was let out of the cuffs, cut out of the duck tape and ushered down to a Black Limo with the other Chinese men. Although staggering and being helped he managed to turn his head back towards our boys in blue for a last look.

I guess it’s a good thing that Chiang Tzu wasn’t locked up in the Ferguson Hotel because he certainly would have “self paroled” probably leaving a real mess behind him.

So, with our two heroes surrounded by 4 men in Black suits and several state troopers as well as what looked like somebody from the Governor’s office the dialogue went like this:

Head Man In Black: “Listen to me you two yahoos !!! You’ve just beaten and attempted to arrest a high ranking Chinese diplomat here on offical business. There will be an investigation and it will probably cost you your jobs !!! You have embarrased the United States Government”.
Rockin Robin with hand swelling: “Well, while your doing that investigation we’re gonna be having a thick crust pepperoni pizza with a case of Bud”.
Head Man In Black turning to his back up: “Leave me alone with these two idiots for a few minutes”.

The State Troopers, the other men in black and the guy with the Governor’s office moved down the block towards the Chinese contingent in the Limo.

Bruce Lee Bradley: “Listen sir we were only doing our…”
Man In Black: “Shut up and listen. The guy you brought in not only has diplomatic immunity, but he’s a highly skilled assassin from the Chinese Government. He was here to take somebody out. We were tracking him in order to find out his target when you two shit heads beat his ass. You’re both lucky to be alive.”
Rockin Robin: “We’d do it again if we had to”.
Man In Black: “Keep all this to yourself. This has to be swept under the rug. There won’t be any investigation and you’ll see no issue as long as things stay quiet. Understood?”
Rockin Robin and Bruce Lee Bradley: “Yeah”
Man In Black: “Ok, I’m glad you two survived and I have to laugh that two hillbillies kicked his professional ass, and you old man, take care of that hand and lose some weight will ya? Looking at Bruce Lee: “Impressive son, impressive”.

As they were moving back towards the cruiser, one guy from Pineville yelled out: “Hey Robin, hows your brother”?

Once back in the cruiser Rockin Robin and Bruce Lee shared a high five. Robin forgot about his hand so the high five hurt like hell. “I hope Chief Sharp don’t think all this was ‘too Flashy” said Bruce Lee. “Hows that for some Joe Holders and Night Stalkers”? Laughed Rockin Robin.

Once out on the highway, Robin flipped on the radio: “Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting”.

Go Team Middlesboro!!!

Disclaimer:
“The following article is based on open and public records from the Middlesboro Police Department as well as The Bell County Detention Center Website and is written in the style of satire as an opinion piece not associated or based on the opinions of The Polygraph News, Incorporated—it’s founders, owners or staff.”

“Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting” By Karl Lewis Click Here.