The Joker:

9/7/2019, 3:30 A.M.

The Walmart Night Manager, Mr. Toscared, instructed Karen, the night clerk at the service desk to call MPD because security had found a shoplifter. Manager Toscared strictly instructed Karen to tell dispatch that they wanted Officer Joel Quillen (The Big Quillie) or Lt. Edward Myers (Mr. Serious) on the scene. If there was one thing Manager Toscared knew, it was not to call for The Night Stalker.

Manager Rally Toscared walked away and Karen made the call to dispatch:

Dispatch: “Middlesboro Police Department, how may I help you”?
Karen: “This is Karen out at Walmart…”

Suddenly a woman walked up to the counter and demanded a refund for some stale donuts she’d just left with.

Karen, putting the phone down: “I’ll be right with you maam, just allow me to finish this call”.
Lady with stale donuts” I”m the customer here and I don’t have time for your personal calls”.
Karen: “No maam it’s not a personal call it’s to the police to report a shoplifter”
Lady with stale donuts: “Sure it it, where’s the manager”?

As they went on a 40ish woman in really tight jeans and high leather boots, from out in West end picked up the phone and said: ‘We got a shoplifter, SEND THE NIGHT STALKER RIGHT AWAY !!!”

In the next four mins while Karen continued to argue with the lady with stale donuts, Manager Toscared heard clamoring from the other end of the store. One woman was pushing her cart loaded with kitty litter and can goods right at the Manager who was barely able to avoid the collision. Another woman was hustling to the back of the store eating the fresh chocolate cookies she’d plan to purchase. Everybody in the store that had came there to shoplift was hauling ass. One girl had to make two trips.

When the Night Stalker came in the door the wind blew the hat off of the lady greeter and all of the Styrofoam cups and Halloween candies off the shelf. A 35ish lady screamed “Lord Help Us”!!! The 50ish lady Greeter just tried to muss up her hair while she smiled.

The Stalker turned left and headed towards the security desk. He passed three elderly women who’d just been checked out, Mrs. Lovin, Mrs. Touchin, and the widow Squeezin looked at each other.

Mrs. Lovin: “He’s tearing me apart”.
Mrs. Touchin: “Every, every day”.
Mrs. Lovin: “He’s tearing me apart”.
Mrs. Squeezin: “Oh girls what can you say”.
Mrs. Lovin, Mrs. Touchin and Mrs. Squeezin looked at each other.

By the time Manager Toscared realized that The Night Stalker was in the store it was too late to chastise Karen who was now hiding behind the desk joined by the lady with stale donuts.

Manager Toscared met The Stalker at the desk and said: “Sir I think we can handle this situation without any further issues….” A 25ish kid that had been practicing his Kung Fu all night yelled : “He went thata way”!!!

The Stalker turned towards the back of the store with Rally Toscared and the Kung Fu kid right behind him. As they approached the electronic section the televisions all went off and the video games were playing on their own. The culprit had made a break for it.

A young woman who had only been out of high school for a year pointed up the aisle towards the front of the store. As The Stalker went by she swooned and fell down. The Kung Fu Kid stopped to help her up. His motive was a date. Mr. Toscared continued to try and follow the Stalker who now was moving faster and gaining ground on the culprit. As they passed the home wares section Mr. Toscared ran smack into a cart full of groceries that had been pushed out into the aisle. Yes, once again, IT WAS MAMAW!!!

Mamaw: “When you gonna get these prices down where folks can afford to shop here”?
Mr. Toscared picking himself up off the ground and rubbing his knee: “Madam we do our best. We will match any price you can find in the area”.
Mamaw, taking a fly swat out of her cart and smacking Mr. Toscared on the back: “Is that what I asked ya”?
Mr. Toscared: “Maam please try and control yourself”.
Mamaw: “Boy, you ain’t seen #@##%, #$###@@, ##%##…”

Mr. Toscared staggered his way away from Mamaw and down the Aisle where he could briefly hide in the ladies clothing area.

The Culprit was now in a full run towards the front door. Just as he reached the outside of the store, The Night Stalker caught up. Grabbing him by the neck and the seat of the pants, the suspect was carried kicking and screaming to the cruiser, handcuffed and placed in the back. It looked like a mother disciplining a run away 4 year old.

53 year old Mr. Timothy Lamb who is far to old to be trying to get away from The Night Stalker wasn’t supposed to be at Walmart to begin with since he’d been banned from the store before. Mr. Lamb was trying to heist some batteries. Add in a couple bench warrants, a criminal trespass charge, shoplifting, tampering with physical evidence and as always, possession of meth, Mr. Lamb was scurried down to the Pineville Center for those that just can’t get their shit together. Mr. Lambs past charges include but are not limited to:

Bench Warrant X18
Violation of EPO X1
Bench Warrant Other Agency X4
DUI X1
Suspended Licence X2
Possession of Meth X1
Criminal possession of Forged Instrument X1
Drug Paraphernalia X1
Criminal Trespass X1
Criminal Mischief X1

Mr. Lamb is being held under a 1500.00 “Cash” Bond as well as about 550.00 “Pay or stay” bonds.

After The Night Stalker had Mr. Lamb safely in the back of the cruiser he turned to get into the driver’s seat when in front of him was, a 40ish black haired beauty with big dark eyes, with about 5000 dollars worth of points that stood way up high, way up firm and high.

West End Cougar: “I hope you remember that I do stay up late”?
The Night Stalker: “Maam if there is a problem, the force will always be there to help”.
West End Cougar: “Not everybody on the force can handle my problem”.

The Stalker left with his prisoner and continued on to Pineville.

The Cougar took her gallon of Rocky Road ice cream and two dozen cookies home.

After the shift The Stalker laid in bed. He started humming a song from 2002, Ain’t it funny how the night moves. With autumn closing in…

Go Team Middlesboro!!!

P.S. Back at the station the Dispatcher was enjoying a fresh cup of coffee and was on his second chocolate eclair. A nice lady from the church had brought over a box of six eclairs and asked that they be given to Officer Harvey Johnson as appreciation for helping them find a lost puppy. The dispatcher rubbed some more chocolate icing on his pants and laughed.

 

 

Disclaimer:
“The following article is based on open and public records from the Middlesboro Police Department as well as The Bell County Detention Center Website and is written in the style of satire as an opinion piece not associated or based on the opinions of The Polygraph News, Incorporated—it’s founders, owners or staff.”