The Joker:

1/10/19 Just before Midnight on 35th and Winchester in the Boro. Ms. Rikki Walden of Corbin Kentucky is having some bad luck. She is in the wrong place at the wrong time. The MPD is in the area and are looking for a particular suspect when they see Ms. Walden. Patrolman Joel Quillen (Big Quillie) makes contact with Ms. Walden and finds that she has an active warrant. I guess you know what that means. After Big Quillie searched Ms. Walden (Rikki), well, the usual happens…some Meth and some Pills.

Big Quillie gets Rikki down to the Pineville Bed and Breakfast for Druggies, faster than you can run out an EBT card and charges her with:

Bench Warrant For Court, 168.00 Dollar, “Cash” Bond
Possession controlled substance 1st degree/1st Offense (Methamphetamine), No Bond
Possession of controlled substance 3rd Degree (Drug Unspecified), No Bond

Well there is a little more to the story. As far as I can find Rikki has never been busted in Bell County, but alas, there is a bit of history in her home county of Laurel.

Back in 2015, the then 25 year old Rikki was charged with a host of things but basically she was convicted of having some pills, shoplifting and credit card fraud. She spent about 4 and a half months in the Laurel County Detention Center being released just before Christmas.

In April of 2016, Rikki gets into trouble again and is charged with Public Intoxication (not alcohol), Giving Officer False Name or Address and some Credit Card Fraud again. She was convicted and served 7 months and 1 week in the Laurel County Jail again, being released just before Christmas.

Here we are in January of 2019 and Rikki was doing good until now. Well, there is a bit of luck in all this you know. Rikki isn’t in the Laurel County Jail, she’s in the Bell County rest stop. She’ll probably be out faster than you can say: “Self Paroled”.

We hear you’re leaving, that’s Ok
You thought a little Jail time had just begun
I guess you kinda scared yourself, you’d turn and run
But if you have a change of heart
Rikki don’t lose your lawyer’s number
You don’t wanna call nobody else
Send it off in a letter to yourself
Rikki don’t lose that number
It’s the only one you own
You might use it when you feel better
When you get home

I hope Rikki gets her shit together before she turns from a young misguided woman to a full blown criminal bitch down the road. Rikki, find a church, a country music song, a new job, leave the area, some new shoes or what ever it takes to stop this pattern before it gets worse. As the Criminal Whisperer, I’ll give you some more advice. Don’t come down to the Boro thinking that you’ll get away with anything. The MPD is a lot tougher than Bell County’s justice system.

I have a friend in town, he’s heard your name
Stay in Corbin, this ain’t slow hand row
Don’t stay locked up playing games I don’t know
And Please Have A Change Of Heart
Rikki Don’t lose that Number
You Don’t wanna Call nobody else.
Send it off in a letter to yourself
Rikki don’t lose that number
It’s the only one you own
You might use it if you feel better
When you get home

Thank You Big Quillie for Keeping Rikki Safe for us.

Lt. Edward Myers (Mr. Serious) backed up Big Quillie on this arrest.

Go Team Middlesboro !!!

P.S. Rikki, you tell yourself you’re not my kind, but you don’t even know your mine. I hope you have a change of heart.

Rikki Don’t Lose That Number By Steely Dan Click Here


“The following article is based on open and public records from the Middlesboro Police Department as well as The Bell County Detention Center Website and is written in the style of satire as an opinion piece not associated or based on the opinions of The Polygraph News, Incorporated—it’s founders, owners or staff.”