SHERIFF’S REPORT: YOU TUBE ADDICT, WHEN TURKEYS AND IDIOTS ATTACK

He was driving recklessly on Hwy. 49 when enough concerned citizens called it in. The driver, WILLIAM MASON (1st Pic) was stopped near ProGrow and happened to be wanted out of Williamson County.

MASON was allegedly in possession of Suboxone, and what appeared to be Heroin. MASON stated he was trying to finish up watching a YouTube video and was agitated that a deputy had the nerve to interrupt his binge on for “Golden Girls, the untold story of Debauchery and Depends.”

A terrible fire on Gibbs involved a camper fully engulfed along with a makeshift house. A propane stove was the source that got out of hand and caused second degree burns to the camper. Please be aware and safe from your open flames because we don’t want to lose you!

There was a pleasant gathering on Pleasant Valley until the guest wouldn’t stop drinking the Wild Turkey. The guest turned unpleasant and began talking turkey to his hosts. A stumbling stagger promulgated a fall into the fence allowing wild turkeys to free themselves. There was a subsequent riotous response of plucking and screaming. A few witnesses testified to fists, flying feathers and fowl farting. One eyeball was scratched out and a claw went missing.

WHY DO IDIOTS DO WHAT THEY DO? Because they’re idiots! Case in point:
As the obvious “deputy marked cruiser” was behind the car just trying to conduct his patrol duties, the passengers decided to throw gang signs as well as the universal sign of “F U” to taunt the patrolman. (1st bad choice but not illegal)

The driver, in a stance to show he was the “in charge idiot,” tried to pass another vehicle and almost lost control causing an accident. (2nd unfortunate choice decision and illegal)

With blue lights activated, the driver was obviously DUI and proceeded to resist his self-inflicted arrest. Continuing his gang signs he tried in earnest to bitch slap the deputy while holding up his sagging pants. His life decision stance of superiority didn’t end well and jail became his new crib. (Again, bad choice)

The passenger was as equally stupid, intoxicated and had to be backseated as well. The only victim was an innocent puppy that dashed out onto the road, nervously pooping several times on Hwy 41A causing a momentary traffic jam. Deputies put the pooped pooch in their car and waited for Animal Control’s arrival. Animals are often smarter than their humans and this one barked and begged for his master to be put down. Poor little pup.

THE NEW YEAR started with a good arrest of a wanted person whom we have been looking for…for sometime now. Sergeant Jeremy Ethridge spotted DARREN WALTON (2nd Pic) at the Twice Daily’s in a stolen car. WALTON has been on our radar for three weeks going because he allegedly went on a thieving spree in the old 8th district including Dickson County.

Ethridge arrested WALTON on a gaggle of warrants with state prison time now inevitable. He admitted he was tired of running and we insured him we were not tired of searching for him. It’s a TeamCheatham thing…criminals just don’t understand.

2019 will not be good for career criminals but will be productive for us because we are determined. Stay alert and call in suspicious activity TeamCheatham, we just want to protect what’s most important to you…and HAPPY NEW YEAR!