The Joker:

7/28/2019, 1:30 A.M., Walmart Parking Lot in the Boro. Sgt. Josh Burchett (Bust Em) backed up by Officers H. Johnson (Harvey) and Joel Quillen (The Big Quillie) have observed some “suspicious” activity around a 4 door Silver Buick (No Year Listed). I have to butt in here and mention to Chief Busic that Mamaw does not like Harvey being out that late. She worries.

Enter The Night Stalker. By now Sgt. Bust Em has a man and a woman out of the car and in hand cuffs. Both of them are from Tennessee. They both have active arrest warrants and the man is holding 5 grams of Methamphetamine.

The Stalker observes another man coming out of Walmart. When the man sees the officers he does an immediate about face and returns to the store. The Stalker Follows. When he enters the store the attractive 20ish newly hired Greeter points her finger and says: “He went thataway”.  Realizing that she’d just seen The Night Stalker first hand, she immediately swoons and faints. Several other women run over to help her.

The man had ran into the bathroom attempting to hide, but before he could find a proper stall, The Night Stalker was there. The man exclaimed: “Oh God”!!! As you know The Stalker has not only heat seeking vision but also X-Ray Vision. The man had a large bulge in his pants. It wasn’t because he was happy to see The Stalker. 21.5 Grams Of Meth.

So the three lovelies got escorted down to the Pineville Center for out of town Guests. You see the lady is from Greenville Tn., the first man from Harrogate Tn. and the third man from Dryden Virginia (Lee County).

Ladies first. 20 year old Ms. Courtney Coffee was served with a Bench Warrant for FTA and charged with Assault 2nd Degree. She’s still in Pineville under a $2500.00 “Cash” Bond.

Mr. Wesley Eggers of Harrogate who had the dope packed and ready for delivery, was served with a warrant for violation of his home incarceration agreement, an indictment warrant for possession and of course his new charge of Trafficking in Meth. Mr. Eggers is also chillin like a Villin down in Pineville under a 10K “Cash” Bond. I guess the lure of going to Walmart is more than some can bear.

Lastly, 49 year old Mr. Ralph M. Davis from Lee County Virginia. was charged with Trafficking in Meth (via Crotch Rocket? J/K). Mr. Davis is also staying down in Pineville under a $2500.00 dollar bond.

I couldn’t find any Bell County past history on Mr. Davis or Ms. Coffee but Mr. Eggers is famous around these parts. He has a long history in which all of it is available Here and Here. This particular article almost mimics another in which Mr. Eggers makes the same mistakes about going to Walmart at night. Must be those low prices, I guess.

As the Night Stalker was dragging Mr. Davis out of the store a middle aged cougar from out on Winchester Ave. was entering. Her chocolate addiction had overwhelmed her while she was binge watching The Sopranos. As the Stalker passed, she thought to herself: “Maybe I should get arrested”.

The Greeter was given smelling salts and revived. She’s fine and was able to finish her shift. For those of that don’t remember the last time The Stalker went to Walmart. You can Click Here .

Great Job by Bust Em, Harvey, The Big Quillie and The Night Stalker getting all that death dust off the streets. I hate death dust dealers. They take your children and turn them into Zombies.

Go Team Middlesboro!!!


“The following article is based on open and public records from the Middlesboro Police Department as well as The Bell County Detention Center Website and is written in the style of satire as an opinion piece not associated or based on the opinions of The Polygraph News, Incorporated—it’s founders, owners or staff.”